There are two kinds of men in this world.  Those that are pussy-whipped and those that wish they were pussy-whipped.

I told my wife she arched her eyebrows too much.

She seemed surprised.

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”

Q: What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
A: Is it mine?

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

"A market researcher said 'can I ask you 10 questions', I said 'go on', she said 'question number 1, have you ever had a blackout?' I said 'no', she went…and finally, question number 10."

 sdwright wrote: 
Goot one

 sdwright wrote: 
Boot one

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING! I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

What the hell she talking about?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 20 miles from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.

The brunette goes 15 miles, gets tired, and drowns.

The redhead goes 17 miles, gets tired, and also drowns.

Then the blonde gets to 19 miles, gets tired, turns around and swims back.

 Steely_D wrote: 


I stopped speculating about what certain folks do BCD right after the Starr report about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Stained blue dresses? Cigars inserted in unusual spots? Phones going places they weren't meant to go? I know nuss-sing, Colonel Hogan! Nussing! 






Really: was there ever a face more completely summed-up by the word "sausage"?

 kcar wrote: 
You HOPE that's how it happened.

 SeriousLee wrote: 




Reminds me of a newspaper article I read about 16% of cell phones having fecal bacteria on them. Talking/texting/gaming on the throne is a favorite pastime apparently. 

The divorce lawyer is surprised when the very old couple comes in to begin the process.
"How old are you two? he asks
"I'm 86, she's 87," says the man.

"And you want a divorce? How long have you two been married?"
"Been about 65 years as of last fall," she says. "And, yes, we want a divorce as soon as you can get it done. We can't stand each other."

"OK, I can certainly take care of that. But I have to ask, why now after so many years?"
"We wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

George and Ethel met for the first time at the Seniors complex. It was love at first sight. They were both over 90 years old when they tied the knot. They had a 1-night honeymoon at the local motel. Ethel, well it had been a long time since she spent a night with a man and all her girl friends at the seniors complex couldn't wait to hear from her when she came back from her honeymoon. "So, Ethel, what happened", they asked the day after. "Well," Ethel said, "I was waiting in bed for him. Then he came near the bed. He took his shirt off and threw it on the chair. He took his pants off and threw them on the chair. He took his toupee off and threw it on the chair. He took his glasses off and put them on the table by the chair. He took his hearing aids off and put them on the table by the chair. He took his dentures off and put them on the table by the chair. He took one eye out and put it on the table by the chair. He took one arm off and put it on the chair. He took one hand off and put it on the chair. He took one leg off and put it on the  chair. He took one foot off and put it on the chair." "And? What happened after that?" "Well," Ethel said, "I spent the night on the chair since there was more of him there"

You must have heard of the nice Jewish boy who meets the girl he'd like to marry. He realises she has to run the gauntlet of his mother. He decides he will take two other girls home as well, to see if his mother will be able to choose the one he wants to marry.

He gets home. The three girls sit down on the sofa opposite his mother. After two minutes, she says to her son, 'It's the one on the left."

He says, 'Mother, that's amazing. It's incredible. How could you guess? How could you work out she is the one I want to marry?'

His mother shrugs and says , 'Already I don't like her.'

 rmgman wrote: 

 This sounds implausible. Most hunters are smart enough to distinguish the footprints trains leave behind from those left behind by animals.