man:

"I think he said "Blessed are the Cheesemakers"

lady:

"What's so special about the Cheesemakers?"

 samiyam wrote:Brian...

Scene 1

WISE MAN #1: Ahem.

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MANDY COHEN: Ohhh! Who are you?

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WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men.

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MANDY: What?!

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WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men.

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MANDY: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.

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WISE MAN #3: We are astrologers.

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WISE MAN #1: We have come from the East.

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MANDY: Is this some kind of joke?

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WISE MAN #2: We wish to praise the infant.

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WISE MAN #1: We must pay homage to him.

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MANDY: Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting. Out! The lot, out!

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WISE MAN #1: No—

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MANDY: Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on. Out!

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WISE MAN #2: No, no. We must see him.

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MANDY: Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!

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WISE MAN #2: We—

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WISE MAN #1: We were led by a star.

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MANDY: Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Out!

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WISE MAN #1: Well— well, we must see him. We have brought presents.

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MANDY: Out!

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WISE MAN #2: Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh.

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MANDY: Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. —- Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh, anyway?

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WISE MAN #3: It is a valuable balm.

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MANDY: A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him.

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WISE MAN #3: What?

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MANDY: That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough.

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WISE MAN #1: No, it isn't.

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MANDY: Yes, it is. It's great, big mmm...

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WISE MAN #3: No, no, no. It is an ointment.

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MANDY: Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... or did I dream it? So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?

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WISE MAN #2: Hmm?

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MANDY: What star sign is he?

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WISE MAN #2: Uh, Capricorn.

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MANDY: Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

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WISE MAN #2: Ooh, but... he is the son of God, our Messiah.

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WISE MAN #1: King of the Jews.

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MANDY: And that's Capricorn, is it?

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WISE MAN #2: Uh, no, no, no. That's just him.

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MANDY: Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.'

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WISE MAN #1: By what name are you calling him?

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MANDY: Uh, 'Brian'.

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WISE MEN: We worship you, O Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

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MANDY: Do you do a lot of this, then?

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WISE MAN #2: What?

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MANDY: This praising.

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WISE MAN #2: No, no. No, no.

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MANDY: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye. Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.

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MANDY: Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo.

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MANDY: Here! Here! Here, that— that's mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that! Oh.

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BABY BRIAN:

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MANDY: Shut up.

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SINGER: Brian. The babe they called 'Brian',

He grew,... grew, grew, and grew—

Grew up to be— grew up to be

A boy called 'Brian'—

A boy called 'Brian'.

He had arms... and legs... and hands... and feet,

This boy... whose name was 'Brian',

And he grew,... grew, grew, and grew—

Grew up to be—

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Yes, he grew up to be

A teenager called 'Brian'—

A teenager called 'Brian',

And his face became spotty.

Yes, his face became spotty,

And his voice dropped down low

And things started to grow

On young Brian and so

He was certainly no—

No girl named 'Brian',

Not a girl named 'Brian'.

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And he started to shave

And have one off the wrist

And want to see girls

And go out and get pissed,

A man called 'Brian'—

This man called 'Brian'—

The man they called 'Brian'—

This man called 'Brian'!

 

Ahh!

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 romeotuma wrote: 
Uh... in context, Onan's brother was dead and int the Jewish tribal tradition a man marries his brother's wife and gets her pregnant if he can in order to enlarge the size of the tribe so that it doesn't die out.  Onan was selfish and didn't want his brother's wife to have children and that was a sin against the tribe and so "god" punished him by killing him.  On that one piece of verse a whole misconception that masturbation was "a sin" was born... millions of good christian children were morally abused by this verse and the mis-interpretation of it.

But mis-interpretation of the bible and what it really is (mostly a tribal history written down and mis-translated too many times) seems to be the order of our society and why I'm very careful dealing with the "pseudo-christians" who profess to "Love Jesus"  (did you know that his name wasn't really Jesus?).

 romeotuma wrote: 
Nice guy, having sex with his brother's wife!

Genesis 38:9

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

Book of Colossians - Chapter 4

Always talk pleasantly and with a flavour of wit but be sensitive to the kind of answer each one requires.

Psalm 121-3

He will not let your foot slip...

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.  He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.   He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.  Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.  Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.   Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

 
 Psalm 23

Genesis 2

24 So man muv out da baesment an lives wif da womenz, an be all u can puts your toofbrush nexta mine an I no eats you.

an da manz sez orly

da womenz sez ya rly

an da manz sez no wai

an da womenz sez wai

25 and teh man and teh woman weared invisible close!

LolCat Bible Online

Genesis 1

From LOLCat Bible Translation Project

Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1

6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.

9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.

11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.

14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.

20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.

24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.

26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.

27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.

28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.

29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.

31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.