A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime.  She said 'sorry about the wait'.  I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

 A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'     The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'

 Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

A Bruce Springsteen joke from his show the other night:

An old man goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, I can’t get an erection.”  Doc says, “Have your tried the pills I gave you?”  Old man says, “I’ve been popping them like candy, and nothing.”  Doc scratches his head and says, “Well, sorry I don’t think there is a medical answer to your problem.  However, I might have a solution.  Go down to the corner shop and see the gypsy woman.” 

Old man goes down to the gypsy and tells her his story.  Gypsy says, “I have something for you.  When you are ready, sprinkle some of this dust on your Johnson and say: 1, 2, 3.  If you do this you will get an erection.  However, this will only work one time, so only do it when you are ready.” Old man says, “Great, great.  But how do I get it to go down?”  Gypsy says, “Oh that’s easy, just say: 1, 2, 3, 4.” 

Old man is excited.  He gets home and tells his wife to get upstairs as he has something that will get him an erection.  The wife gets in bed and old man says, “OK honey, are you ready?  Here we go.”  He takes out the dust and sprinkles it on, and says, “1, 2, 3.”  Sure enough he gets an erection.  Just as he’s getting ready to get into bed, his wife, who looks puzzled says, “I don’t get it?  What’s the 1, 2, 3 for?"